Crystal Clear….

I have learned alot from my multitude of relationships and dealings with my heart.  I have learned if you are not ready for the answers to questions to not ask them.  If you can’t handle the truth don’t seek it out.  Sometimes living in denial and looking through rose colored glasses is sweet pure bliss and it is all your little heart can handle.  But I went against all that I know and I threw caution to the wind and I dove in head first never looking to see if there were jagged rocks that I would get crushed against and guess what, I got crushed.  Stupid Stupid Stupid…The words that ring through my head.

Wednesday night.  Supposed to see him Wednesday night.  Things would go back to normal when I see him.  He just needs to see me.  Once he sees me all the stupid shit will melt away.  Things will be normal again and he will see that this was all nonsense.  Because why?  I am just that fabulous.

No.

I asked about Wednesday.  Yes I’ll be there, I’m gonna get you guys backstage its gonna be a blast!!!  So am I still staying at your house?  Deb, I told you we just need to be friends now.  Is there someone else? *crickets*  Hello? can you not answer me that? *crickets* We just need to be friends right now….Okay. Got it. Crystal Clear. You can’t say it, because you don’t want to hurt me. I’m fine, what we had is done.  I’ve been foolishly twisting in limbo hanging on to something I thought was special.  I’m done with that.  I thought you were twisting too and you’s get over it.  That wasn’t it at all.  Doesn’t matter anymore.  Done.  We are just friends nothing more, Done. Period.

That was the conversation.  Its clear. I asked because I could handle the truth.  He dodged because he couldn’t handle saying it.  It is done. I hurt inside.  But on Wednesday night I will look smoking hot.  I will have my boys in tow.  I will dance with every hot guy there.  I will not allow my little heart to show the pain I feel inside over done.  I will be strong and I will not allow him the satisfaction of seeing that inside I am broken and that he broke me.  I am waiting on telling him the rest of my news until I do not hurt so badly inside anymore.  I need to be able to handle the reaction.

The Great Escape….

There was something so magical and carefree about forgetting all my cares and acting like I was single and had no children.  I hoped on a  plane with a guy that totally caused my inner spirit to burst into flames when I met him on July 15, 2011.  I didn’t know where it would lead and I didn’t care, I was living in the moment and I was ready for what was coming.

In Reno

The amount of fun that I had and the way I felt in every fiber of my soul can not be described.  I know he felt it too. 

His idea of tats to commemorate ourwonderful escape, so we would not forget what was shared.  In drunken bliss we declared our love for one another.  Then sobriety of the morning we were leaving hit.  Everything changed. Everything got weird and strained.  The ease of just being together vanished. He got scared.  I got scared. He has asked for space.  The girl in me can’t give space, I am rushing around trying all I know to make him see that I am a fabulous girl and beating myself up over what I did wrong. I cry at what has been so quickly snatched away.  My heart hurts and I being an adulterous whore have no one to share this with and no one to comfort me.  The saddest part is we are still “friends” we still talk, just not like we did.  He doesn’t want me out of his life, nor do I want him out of mine.  But it is all changed.  There are walls and bars and chains around us both and my soul just wants to be next to his again like it was.

Happiness….

Happiness comes in many forms and sometimes in the most unexpected places.

I never mentioned that the new person in my life used to be a personal trainer,  I never mentioned that from afar he has given me some advice on my goals. Having never mentioned that I guess I should say I asked for the advice, he didn’t just say hey your ass is droopy you should do some lunges! In less than 90 days I was able to reach my goals that were just out of reach.  Happiness was taking a tape measure and seeing I have shaved 6 inches from my waist line.  Happiness was realizing I can once again go braless and breastfeeding didn’t ruin my breasts.  Happiness was stepping on the scale this morning for the first time in 30 days and seeing 139 flashing back at me!  I haven’t weighed that since high school.  Oh the joys of loosing over a 100 pounds.  Happiness is knowing that someone is supporting me in my efforts to quit smoking and not gain weight in the process, week 3 baby!  Happiness is someone reminding me how amazing and awesome I am daily.  Happiness is for the very first time in my life someone calling me beautiful.  Sure I have been called cute, hot, pretty, but never beautiful and to me beautiful encompasses the physical as well as the person you are.  Happiness is someone saying I think you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are, I melted into a puddle.

Happiness is knowing that in less than two weeks I will be taking a vacation with someone who feels this way about me.  Even if he doesn’t really and this is all just a game he is playing with my emotions, I feel pretty thankful that someone took the time to make me feel this way.  I needed to be heard, to be listened to, to be made to feel special.  God knows for the past five years I haven’t been made to feel that way. I am happy.

I am sad that the person isn’t the man I married. The man I vowed to love in sickness and in health. I do love that man, I always will, but he abused me verbally and physically.  I see he is making changes.  But I fear it is too late and I will in turn be the one that crushes him in the end of this mess.

I Feel No Shame….Is that Wrong?

I feel like I should feel shame or guilt or something.  But I don’t.  I’m okay with all of my choices lately.  Do I want my husband to know about them?  No not really.  I don’t want to be the bad guy.  I don’t want him to be able to be the one pointing fingers and saying this is all my fault that I abandoned him in our marriage.  But my friendship has become more than a friendship. 

It was easy to fall into that.  Here is someone who listens to me and finds me interesting.  Here is someone who listens to my goals, my dreams, my wants, and my desires.  Not only does he listen but he tries to help me find ways to achieve them.  Supports me emotionally and doesn’t drain me.  I am in total love with the attention.  I am in total love with the spoiling.

All this time I thought I was broken that I couldn’t want anything sexually with someone.  I was wrong.  I just couldn’t want it with my husband, he repulses me and it is his fault.  I truly believe I did everything in my power to save our marriage.  Millions of talks, millions of chances, millions of tears cried.  Nothing got better, nothing changed.  I am happy right now.  I am not happy that I am sneaking around and lying and I should feel some shame with that, but I don’t.  For once I am putting myself first above all else and it feels good.  I am enjoying being selfish….

I know the guilt and the shame will come, but right now I am loving this.

I Am Scared…. But I am Happy

I finally spoke 4 words that will forever change the course of my life and the lives of my children. I want a Divorce.  Speaking them and moving forward with them are completely different things.

Tuesday was a hellacious day.  I was at work at 5:30 AM and it was go go go go go all freaking day long, I didn’t even stop to eat.  I called Scott and asked him to get the kids because I would be late.  On my way hom at 5:30 we past each other as he headed to the daycare.  I thought gee he is picking them up late and went on home.  Made a stiff drink and went out on to the back porch to unwind from my day.  Scott pulls up and starts yelling screaming and cussing about what a worthless piece of shit I am and why the fuck couldn’t I pick up the kids….blah blah blah.  Now mind you he is out of school until Monday and didn’t work and did nothing all day long!  I looked at him and said, um I thought you had already gotten them until I saw you.  He screams bullshit and calls me a selfish bitch.  All of this infront of our kids.  I looked at him and said enough I am so done with you. He rants on and on about of your done, your done, you want me to leave???  I smiled and said actually no I don’t want you to leave, Sophia go inside so mommy and daddy can have big people talk, Scott I want you to stay until your finished with school.  That is 4 months from now, because if you don’t you wont finish.  But after Christmas I want you to leave, I am done being verbally, physically, and emotionally abused by you.  I will always love you, you gave me the two most wonderful kids in the whole world, but I am not in love with you and I am miserable, infact you kind of disgust me.  I am done. I deserve better than this and the kids deserve to not witness this.  He started to cry once the shock wore off his face.  I didn’t cry.  I want a Divorce. I said I haven’t been happy in a very long time and if you are honest neither have you.  We have tried everything there is to try.  He said he didn’t want it to be over.  I laughed and said well you have 4 months to make me fall in love with you again, its possible, but I am done trying.  You can move your stuff to the guest room and we can be roomates and try to be friends.

I walked inside and that was the end of the conversation.  Except he kept asking what he needed to do, I finally caved and told him for 5 years I have begged and pleaded with you I have repeatedly told you what I need  and you put other things above me, you stood before God and our friends and family vowing to love, honor, and cherish me, so there is a start.  You figure it out I am done telling you what I want and what I need.

I am happy.  My marriage is ending and I am happy.  I worry about my kids, but they are young and they will adjust.  I may be being selfish but I am tired of living in fear of his next drunken rampage.  This will make me stronger.

Trying to Remember

I spent the weekend trying to remember the last time Scott held me in his arms or kissed me. Laid next to me in bed and spooned me. Slapped my ass and told me I was beautiful. I can’t remember. So I tried to cross over the wall in our marriage.  Sunday morning I wrapped my arms around him after his shower and pulled him in close to kiss him as he headed out the door to work and I almost wretched at the overpowering smell of stale beer on him.  This would be why we have no intimacy left in our marriage.  He has a love affair with beer.  He let beer come between he and I as it is more precious to him than I will ever be.

I thought about that long and hard all day while I played with my kids in the sunshine.  I see my husband one night a week. In that one night he cant go without getting wasted and spend time with me being intimate.  I don’t mean sex.  I mean talking, Hugging, snuggling on the couch, listening to me.  Instead he sits outside pounding beers.  For a long time I have thought it is because I am so completely wretched that he can’t stand to be close to me.  I beat myself down about my body, my looks, my everything.  But you kow what it isn’t me with the problem, its him.  I am pretty sure I am done.  I love Scott, he is the father of my two beautiful children.  But I am not in love with him and in all honesty I don’t think he is in love with me either.  I’m not sure this is something we can get past and I’m not sure I want to.

Decisions

It is now no secret that I am contemplating all of my options and trying to decide what is right and what is best for my little family.  I am slowly pulling myself away from Scott emotionally and I can feel it and I am thinking that he too will soon be able to tell that there has indeed been a change,  a shift.  I have made my decision on what I plan to do right now and where I want to be a year from now.

I know that I do not want to have anymore kids with Scott.  I have an appointment today to get an IUD, to ensure that I do not have anymore kids with Scott.  I do not want to be trapped by having them in a marriage that is falling apart around me.  I haven’t shared this with Scott, but we aren’t trying to have more kids and more kids have not been a plan, so it is not like I am doing something he wouldn’t approve of.

I know that my marriage to Scott has been under alot of strain due to our conflicting schedules.  Scott works and goes to school.  He is never around to help and I see his going out and drinking after work as a childish unfair occurrence.  Simply because I never get to go out.  Even if I did have a girls weekend, once in 4 years!  Scott is done with school in 4 1/2 months.  In many arguments he will state, I don’t know why we are still together and then answer himself with oh yeah your my cash cow until I am done with school.  That statement has hurt and cut me to the core and made me wonder is that really why he is still with me?  I think he says it out of drunken malice, but what if it is true??  What if after December nothing changes.  What if he all of a sudden has all this extra time and he spends it drinking and smoking pot and still refuses to grow up and be the man and husband I need him to be?

I have resolved to give it a year.  If after that year I am still just as miserable as I am today and there are no signs of willingness to make it better my plan is to leave.  I can not and I will not have my kids grow up watching us be as dysfunctional as we are today.  I have allowed someone else into my marriage.  He makes me smile. I enjoy his friendship and I know it is wrong.  But I think part of what makes it feel so good is that it is so wrong.  I need to stop it, I know that, but it feels so good and so much in my life feels so bad right now that I just can’t seem to bring myself to do so. I ask myself if I would be angry or hurt if the shoes were reversed and in all honesty I wouldn’t.  I want Scott to be happy to, I just don’t think I provide him with happiness either.

Doctor Says I am Clean!!!

Yay! Problem is she has no clue what caused the problem and there is still itchy, burning, and slight swelling.  Could be dirty as river water irritated my sensitive girlie bits, who knows.  Bad news is I am still unhappy with Scott.  It’s just now I have no good reason to leave other than general unhappiness.  I don’t see that as being a good enough reason in the grand scheme of things.  I mean really what would I tell my kids?  Mommy is leaving daddy because mommy is unhappy?  I don’t think that would fly.

I do know that I am playing with fire with the hot navy boy that I met.  I know that. But it feels good.  I am being selfish. I am thinking of no one but myself. You know what? That feels good too. He will make for excellent fantasy material which I will use to get through the  love-making with my husband.  All these months I thought my body was broken and my hormones were out of whack.  They aren’t I just don’t want my husband.  He is a selfish lover who reeks of stale beer.  I don’t know how to fix that, other than finding away to push through it.

I am still livid about the car though.

Twisting in Limbo

This is probably going to be the hardest thing for me to write but I just need a place to put it out there and be honest.  I am tired of caking on the make-up and polishing dog shit and saying everything is fine.  That I am happy. That my life is good.  I am so unhappy and I feel so trapped I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I love my kids they are fantastic, that completely goes without saying.  Were it not for them my life would have little meaning. But I am realizing just how miserable I am in my marriage and I am at a loss for when do you decide to toss in the towel.  My dad keeps telling me I knew about Scott’s problems when I married him, I choose him and then I choose to have kids with him.  Basically you made your bed now lie in it.

Two weeks ago I went away for a girls weekend.  It was amazing. I went with the intention of dancing and having a ball with my girlfriends and floating the river.  Instead I met someone who made me feel alive. I spent two days with him and I didn’t want to leave. I need to make it very clear that I was not unfaithful, but I WANTED to be. He made me smile, he made me feel beautiful and desirable.  It felt so good to have someone interested in me and my thoughts.  Instead of someone rolling there eyes at me.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and how I felt since we parted ways, and we have talked since I left.  I am a complete realist here and I know it is just LUST, I know if I left my husband I would not have a relationship with this man, I know that.  But it felt so good. It still feels good.

Coming back to reality was hard.  Especially when the reality is Scott is off the wagon AGAIN.

He wrecked the car while I was gone, hit a tree while he was drunk.  Then tried to lie and tell me he was side swiped in a parking lot, the damage was way to extensive for that, I am so pleased that my husband lies to me repeatedly and doesn’t get that is just like calling me stupid! I have already told him that he will have to save his weekly allowance to be able to fix the car, that the family fund will not be fixing his drunken mistake, that he chose to drive drunk, not us.

Two days later I woke up in the middle of the night itching, burning, swollen, unable to close my legs.  I have never had a yeast infection, bacterial infection, or anything else ever wrong with my girlie bits….I assumed it was yeast and treated accordingly for 3 days.  I didn’t get better I just got worse.  I went to the doctor on Friday as she wouldn’t call in a prescription since I have never had an issue.  I cried through the exam as I was so swollen and tender I couldn’t stand to be touched, childbirth didn’t hurt this much.  My doctor held my hand and said it kinda looks like yeast but it also looks like something else.  I have to take cultures and run some tests to rule out herpes. I started to cry.  She said you didn’t have this 11 months ago when you had Conner, have you had unprotected sex since then.  I cried harder as the only person I have slept with is my husband. I won’t have the results until the earliest this Friday….I swear to God if my husband had the nerve to cheat on me and not wear a condom you all might hear about a woman who went insane in Texas and murder her husband!!!  I haven’t said a word about it to Scott.

I keep telling my self well its not that bad, I mean hell I can get out of this miserable marriage and not be the bad guy right???  But on the other hand any potential male I met my introduction will be “hi I’m Deb, your super hot! Wanna fuck, oh yeah by the way I have herpes!”

I am twisting and turning in limbo.  You can get an HIV result in 24 hours why does this take so long!!!!!!!!!

Happiness

There are so many things that bring me happiness.  Right now I am focusing on Conner and his sweet laugh that just brings this warmth rushing through my body that I can’t describe.  Every bad mood is immediately erased by that lovely warmth inducing belly laugh.  He is a happy baby who laughs and laughs and laughs.  I am so in love with him, I never thought I could love another child as much as I love him. 

Then there is Sophia.  She is growing and learning so quickly now.  Everyday I am amazed by her.  Seeing the world through her eyes is like discovering everything for the very first time.  Her imagination, the spark in her eyes when she is excited, the way she calls me momma,the way her hair smells snuggled up under my chin at night to watch a movie. I love her to the ends of the earth and heaven help anyone who ever tries to hurt her!

Never in a million years would I have thought I could be as happy as I am now.  I don’t know what in the world I ever did to deserve the blessings in my life but I am so thankful. There is nothing sweeter and nothing better than being a mother to these two beautiful children!