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I made it Through 2013!

It has been a very hard year…

We bought a house in March

My father in law passed away from lung cancer in May. 

At some point Scott fell off the wagon and got run over by the cart.

I found booze in the house in July, we talked and he swore it was a one time thing and just because the passing of his dad.  In August he drove drunk with our kids in the car and got fired from his job for showing up intoxicated.  I asked him to move out and I filed for divorce 5 days later.

In October he was arrested on two different occasions for DUI and drug possession and is now facing up to 20 years in prison as this is a 3rd DUI and a felony.  Our divorce is yet to be final.  There will not be any child support.  But I must continue paying his bills along with mine on less income until our divorce is final.  BULLCRAP!

Life is hard.  The kids miss their dad.  I tell them daddy is very sick and has gone to get help so he can be a good daddy to them again.  I do not speak ill of him to anyone, ever.  Scott is sick.  His illness is not in his control.  It should be and it could be, but it is not as he is too far gone.  Their daddy is an excellent daddy and a damn good man when he is sober. 

But he is not sober and when he is not sober he is a monster….

I hope 2014 brings my family peace.  My monkeys need peace.

Women

I don’t have close female friends.  I don’t get along with the old lady and her daughter in my office.  I don’t know how.  I have never known how.  My mother didn’t teach me how to get along with women by getting along with me, her only daughter.  I am drawn to men.  I want to be friends with guys.  I am the best of friends with my dad.  But there is a very deep sadness and longing to have female friends, to get along with the ladies in my office.  But they just won’t let me.  I try.

I often worry that my inability to have close female friends will rub off on my daughter and she will not have the ability to get along with women.  It hurts my heart. It makes for very long days at the office.  It makes for me feeling awkward at the gym, or at Sophia’s school functions.  I always kind of feel left out, I don’t know how to be included with groups of women and I so desperately want to be.

New Way of Life

I’m ending the negative crap.  I just don’t want to do it anymore.  There are too many letters to write to evil people and I just don’t want to take the time to do it and I don’t want to relive the hurt.

I have finally kicked smoking in the ass.  Friday will be 90 days that I am smoke free.  I have gained 10 pounds in the process but all in all I don’t think that is too bad a price to pay, it is the metabolism slow down that came with not smoking more so than eating more food.  Food does taste better though and things smell mor pungent!  The realization that I took 3-4 hours away from my kids a day to go hide in the backyard with a cigarette kind of makes me cringe now.  I am going back to my lovely Paleo diet in the hopes of losing the extra pounds I put on and maybe get a little stronger as I push towards doing my first 1/2 marathon in February in Austin.  I am excited!!!

So it Continues….

These shall be easier and shorter I believe as there isn’t the history and nearly the amount of pain….

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Dearest Brother in Law-
I love and adore you beyond words.  I have always looked on you with quite amazement at your ability to recover and move forward.  The way you show love and respect to your parents and your abilities as a father are impressive.  It makes me smile when I think of you and your accomplishments.  I know Scott feels the same and he looks up to you the way a baby brother should look up to a big brother.  But I do have a big bone to pick with you…
I love and appreciate all of the guidance and help you give to Scott.  He needs it and you have been almost exactly where he was and you dug yourself out and have made your life a success as it should be.  However it is ALMOST exactly.  You do not know me.  You haven’t really taken the time to get to know me, which I am totally okay with.  What I am not okay with is you giving advice and trying to analyze me based on little knowledge.  You know what Scott has told you in his diseased times where he tries to make me look worse than him.  You know me from the complaints (I assume have happened) by Leslie and John  about Scott and I  and the help they have provided to us.  What you don’t know or what I perceive you don’t understand is that for 6 years I have worked my ass off supporting our family while Scott was in school and abusing drugs and alcohol.  That I did anything and everything possible to put food on our table and pay our bills.  When I would be out of work I hung signs and posted ads to clean other peoples homes.  When I forced Scott to go with me he complained that this was nigger shit work and he refused to do it!  Yet it was perfectly okay for his wife, while pregnant to clean vomit and shit off floors and scrub peoples homes till they sparkled.  I am not lazy, I am a worker, and a provider.  I have done things I never thought I would have to do for money to ensure my family had what they needed without having to go to John and Leslie for a hand out.  But honestly we fell short many times and without them I do not know what we would have done.  Don’t judge me on that, as it is my understanding that everything they did for us they also did for you and Dana, the difference being you worked and tried to provide and Dana did not, she was the lazy one, a stay at home mom who had your parents pay for daycare as she could not be bothered to get a job or raise her own children.  So comparing me to her is foolish as I am very much unlike her, so the next time Scott complains about my spending or lack of frugality I want you to think on this.  Unlike Dana who drains your bank account with no regard and never adding to it, I may drain my account but it is my account and 85% of all funds have been put there by my labor.  I do not splurge on myself, I provide for my family, minus the occasional pedicure I never spend money on myself.  I am a woman who only owns 5 pairs of shoes and 1 purse, a woman who when I lost 135lbs cinched on clothes with a belt for 5 months waiting for a birthday money check to buy some clothes and then only used 1/2 that money on myself!  I am a rare breed.
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Oh Sweet Perfect Sister in Law-
Do you feel the sarcasm? You should.  I am so tired of the pretending.  You honestly had me convinced that you cared about me and that we were becoming friends.  I can’t believe that you duped me.  I called you in need.  I called you scared and desperate.  I called you looking for hope.  I thought you had been close to where I was and that you could help.  That you could offer guidance.  You did and you listened and you made me feel better.  But you are a two headed snake.  I realize now more than anything that it was you who shared my facebook page with John and Leslie.  I mean who else if not you.  Did you do this so you would look better than me to them?  I mean why else would you do that?  Look at Deb drinking with boys???  Look at Deb having a good time and cutting loose??  Honestly it wasn’t to show them pictures of the kids as there are hundreds of those and only one lonely album of maybe 50 pictures of me with friends, all else are of my kids.  What did you think or hope to accomplish by this?  I was just starting to feel comfortable and confident with John and Leslie as I have a new job and Scott and I finally stand alone without his meager income and here you go to smash me them…. Thanks.  I guess you have to do something to shine as really you are just a beautiful woman with absolutely no depth and no soul.  You hurt me in a way that I can’t express and will probably never forgive.  While I was down in deep dark pit of hell instead of dropping a rope to help me up as I thought you were, you dropped vipers on my head and found delight in my peril.  I hope when your kids have problems in life, which they will based on their very early years, I hope noone does to them as you did to me, you should be ashamed.

Slow Process….

The month of May has been a slow healing process for my family.  I don’t remember the day that I let Scott come home for some reason, but I did let him come home.  Scott is a different man and is following the path of sobriety.  He is working his steps and I know he is different this time.  I am working my steps and I am different as well.  There has not been one voice raised argument.  We argue, we disagree, but it hasn’t happened infront of our children.  Scott gets mad, he gets downright pissed and so do I, but we are resolving our disagreements.  Life is different.  But it is a very slow process.  I am letting go of yesterday and focusing on the right now.  I repeat to myself daily in all situations, I didn’t cause it, I can’t change it, I can’t control it.  Oddly this gives me extreme comfort and I find that I am slower to anger in almost all of my life dealings.  Counseling helps.  Group meetings help. Being silent and listening instead of running my mouth and letting my thoughts run rampant while people  are talking helps.

I can honestly say all of this had little to no effect on my darling little boy Connor, he is so young he just rolled with the punches.  Sophia had huge set backs and huge emotional trauma and we are learning how to deal with that and trying to ensure that this does not have a lasting effect on her.  She is slowing coming back into her own and it breaks my heart that Scott and I both put her through this.  But it was a necessary evil to getting Scott where he needed to be.

Then there is the issue of our families…

I have always been a little uneasy around Scott’s Dad, Stepmom, Brother, and Brother’s wife.  I have always felt as though their accusing eyes were scrutinizing me and blaming me for all that was wrong with Scott.  This is partially my fault as I would run to them for help.  I was too prideful to go to my own family as I just couldn’t bear admitting to my family that I had chosen poorly a second time.  I couldn’t bear the thought of letting my daddy be disappointed in me or allowing my mother to cast her judgemental eyes on me yet one more time and giving her yet one more reason to be disgusted by me!  In conclusion I have decided it is time to write letters here to my mom, Scott’s Dad & Leslie, and lastly to Craig & Dana….  My beast of a mother is first.

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Karen: (That’s correct you have lost the title of Mother and this is why)
My life changed the day I gave birth to my daughter.  I learned what it was to love someone more than myself.  I learned what unconditional love is, this strengthened my faith in God.  I knew what it was like to be a mom.  You always told me I would understand ______when I was older or you will understand _______when your a mother.  You are right I understand a lot of things I didn’t understand before motherhood.
I know you believe that I am angry with you over Easter and that I am just being petty, bitter, and angry and withholding your grandkids from you out of spite.  You could not be more wrong in your thinking.  I think it is only fair that I explain in grave detail to you what you have done and why I will no longer allow your negativity to affect and control my life or for the claws of that negativity to reach out and snag my children causing them to feel as though they are less.
Back in February you kept the kids for a weekend.  When Scott and I came to pick the kids up you mad a very clear point of how you would not be watching the kids again in front of your neighbor in your driveway.  You glared at me, had hate in your voice, and said I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THOSE KIDS AGAIN EVER, THIS IS THE LAST TIME!!!! I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!  This statement and hate in and of itself is fine.  But you did it infront of your 4 year old grand daughter who doesn’t understand that it isn’t because you don’t love her, but because it is too much for you.  She cried the entire way home and for the 2 hours before she went to bed that Gammy was mad at her and Gammy didn’t love her.  You HURT my child.  I know that your anger was directed at me as you feel I took advantage of you, but she is 4 and she didn’t know that, and she was HURT by YOU. You were beyond wrong to do that to my child and I will not allow you to cause her pain.
On March 20th my world and the world of my family imploded.  My children and I have lived through a hell that I allowed us to endure, I am going to have a very hard time forgiving myself for what I allowed to go on for years inside my home with my husband.  I realize that me not telling you and dad ever step of the way about the physical and mental abuse we endured makes it very difficult for you to understand or believe.  But until you have been beaten by your husband you can’t imagine the shame and embarrassment that goes along with that. Admitting that to someone who has always treated you as if you were less is not something I was able to do.  We have never been friends.  I have never been able to come to you with my problems.  So why would I come to you with any of what I was going through?
I will forever be grateful for the fact that you and dad took Scott into your home.  That you provided him with love and guidance as he began his journey to recovery.  This gift that you gave to him and ultimately to my family is priceless.  I will always be thankful for it.  But here is the rub Karen and it is a big huge giant rub that I will never be able to forgive you for….You judged me, you convicted me without ever asking me, and then you tried to put my children in danger.
You were angry with me over my cruelty to you about Easter.  Yes I was cruel, I was angry, I was wrong to say some of the things I said to you.  I can admit when I am wrong.  Can you? I doubt it.  Going to my husband who is a junkie and an alcoholic and telling him about my facebook page and how there are pictures of me with all these men and that you think I am cheating on him and he should print it all off and use it in court against me to get custody of my children was the lowest thing that you as a mother could do to me your child.  It doesn’t matter if I cheated.  What matters is that you were my mother.  You do not have to agree with anything I say, anything I do.  You can be downright disgusted by my lifestyle and my choices.  But you are my mother and it is your job to love me unconditionally in spite of anything I have done or anything I will do.  I do not care if any of your friends are questioning you about me and what I am doing.  I do not care if this causes you embarrassment.  This does not give a get out of jail free card.  You have an issue with my life then you come to me and yell and scream at me that you didn’t raise me that way.  You do not go to my husband, the coke head, the alcoholic, the man who beat your and choked your 4 year old grand daughter and try and give him tools to get custody of my children!!!  Have you LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND??!!! Being a mother myself I know that there is nothing that either of my children could do that would make me love them any less.  There is nothing they could do that would make me be less of a momma bear about protecting them.  There is nothing that would cause me to choose someone else over them.  Especially what you did.  I am a good mother. The fact that Scott loves his kids has never been a question in my mind, I would not keep the kids from Scott, unless Scott was high or drunk.  So your “reasoning” is so flawed.
This is just the final straw in a long list of wrongs and hurts you have done to me in my 37 years of being your daughter.  I guess this straw broke the camels back because you were not thinking of my children, my husband, or myself.  You were thinking about getting even with me.  I was cruel and you thought you would one up me and cause grief in my life.
You will never again have the opportunity to harm me or my children.  I will not keep Sophia from you, simply because she loves you and she would not understand that I was doing it for her and in the long run she would resent me for it.  However, you will never be alone with my child again and the moment you step out of line I will be removing her from your presence.  We will not be visiting you on your birthday, on mothers day as celebrating you is on the very bottom of my list of things to do.  You will be included on Sophia’s birthday and on Connor’s birthday, these events are at my home, you will be an invited guest and you will behave as such or you will be asked to leave.
I have spent the last 17 years trying to build a relationship with you.  I managed to build a beautiful one with my father and we are very close.  You know as well as I do that dad doesn’t approve of everything I do, but you now what Karen, he respects me enough to talk to me about it rather than run around behind my back and bad mouth his daughter to other people.  I am done extending the olive branch to you and allowing you to beat the hell out of me with it.  I can’t control you, I can’t change you, and I sure as hell did not cause you to be the bitter judgemental bitch you have turned into.
I know that one day I will regret that you and I didn’t have a beautiful relationship that I see a lot of mother and daughters out there have.  I am so jealous of those women. Maybe if we had I would trust women more and I would have healthy friendships with women and not surround myself with a loving group of male friends.  This is truly what causes you and your friends to question my relationships is that they are men.  I know that when you are on your death bed and I don’t come you will regret that you didn’t love your daughter the way you were supposed to.  That maybe it will cross your mind that you should have forgiven more, judged less, maybe said I love you too, when your daughter said it first, maybe just once you should have said I am proud of you.
I can hear you now saying what have you ever done that I should have been proud of…..Here is a list Karen that if you hadn’t been so busy judging me on, that should have made you proud….
I graduated in the top 10% of my class from high school——Oh but I had the wrong friends and I wasn’t a cheerleader so that doesn’t count.
I graduated from college (the first one in our family) —— Oh but that doesn’t count either because I didn’t leave college married to a frat boy
I became a mom twice!!!!
I worked and supported my family while putting my husband through college for 5 years —— Oh but that doesn’t count because Scott worked some minimum wage paying job that brought home a 1/4 of what I brought home, his salary covered his drug and alcohol habit.
I stood up for my children when they were abused ——– yeah I didn’t learn to do that from you that is for damn sure, you can’t even admit what your family did to me!
I expect that you will be so angry by this that you will not be able to see that whether or not you agree with what I am saying this is how what you did made me feel.  It doesn’t matter if I am wrong in my thinking, it doesn’t matter what your intentions were, what matters is how I took it and how it caused me and my children to feel.  I suggest you keep this letter and read over it often as the weeks, months, and years tick by and I am absent from your life.  When you wonder why doesn’t my daughter call, why doesn’t she visit me, why doesn’t she care?  This letter will be your answer.  My life is not too busy for you.  I am not so involved with my children and their activities.  It is an active choice to not see you.  I do not like you.  The venom of bitterness that radiates out from you is not something that I care to be around.  I will not allow that poison to drip from you onto me and my children.  It dripped on you from your mother and you soaked it up like a sponge.  I will not be poisoned by you the pattern of abuse will end with you.

 

I make life hard.  Whether it is work, home life, time with friends ect….  I have to be in control.  I think this stems from being hurt in my childhood by my mother and her her mother.  I was a child and had no control, I got hurt.  I learned as I got older that if I controlled the situation I would not get hurt.  This led to trust issues. I am like time life magazine I swear issues upon flipping issues.

My days are so crammed packed full of shit that I am running and gunning from 3:30AM till around 9PM Monday thru Friday and the weekends start around 5:30AM.  It is primarily my fault.  I love to workout, refuse to miss it and I focus on 2 a day workouts Monday thru Friday, yoga in the AM for an hour and weight and cardio in the evenings for an hour.  I love what it is doing for me, physically and mentally.  It brings a calmness and confidence to my life that has been seriously lacking.

At work I am in a high level executive position.  I love what I do. LOVE IT.  The problem is my inability to delegate and trust that someone else will get down what I need to have done and that it will be done properly under the time constraints.  I give the work out, cause I have to there are people under me who need to do more than play on a computer all day to earn a check.  But I constantly go over every little thing they do, so I might as well just do all the work myself, because I don’t trust it is correct and if it is not correct it reflects poorly on me.  Why can’t I trust these people when 90% of the time it is perfect anyway???

At home I demand perfection out of my yard, my garden, the cleanliness of my shower to bedroom and every inch inbetween.  It as if I am almost compulsive about it.  I can’t sit down and relax until every inch of the house is in order and cleaned.  I literally start to twitch thinking that there is dog hair on the floors!  The kids make their messes, which is fine, I just clean it all up with their help before their bedtimes.

For whatever reason I just can’t let anything go.  I realize this is something Scott and I always argued about.  Him sitting on the couch doing nothing and me doing everything.  When I would get angry and complain, he would get angry right back and yell, “why should I even fucking bother, it won’t be your way so it will be wrong so whats the fucking point!!!”  He was right.

The point is I am tired.  I need a break. A chance to kick my feet up and relax.  I want to go float the river in New Braunfels.  I want to do this with friends.  Been talking about it for weeks with some friends.  Everyone’s schedules are not matching up and I want to see all my boys in SA and make them come too.  Then there is the money issue, all this shit with Scott has taken a toll on my finances. I am so not paying for a hotel, the inlaws river house is surely not an option.  The house I usually flop at has a recently added girl friend who won’t understand who I am. I have been planning and planning but none of it is coming together…soon. One day soon I am taking three days, abandoning mother hood and getting lost in a black tube on an icy river!

37 Years Old Today!

We all have a past that created who we are today.  We can stew and brew over the evil awful things in our lives and hold resentments.  We can dwell in the despair.  Whatever your worst moment is can’t be compared to mine as I your worst is the worst you have ever known, just like mine is the worst I have every known.  They are equal in the torment and turmoil they caused in each of our lives.

I have spent years dwelling, filled with hatred and bitterness. I have resented and blamed.  I have made poor choices because I let someone else define who and what I was and I spent my days seeking out approval in the wrong forms from the wrong people.  I based my self worth on men and what they thought of me.  I based my self worth on what I could give to others, never once seeing that the people that I had surrounded myself with were users who cared nothing for me they only cared about what they could get from me.  I gave all I had and would do without just to see my “friends” have what they wanted, never seeking anything in return.  Dropping everything and running to their aide when they needed me.  I martyred myself, not realizing I was doing it, trying to seek approval and love.  I was always blown away and stood in shock and in awe when anyone did anything for me.

I am done with all of that.

Today, the anniversary of my birthday, I am going to be reborn.  Reborn into the woman I want to be.  I am stopping my enabling.  I am going to fatten my bank account and stop “buying” friends.  I am going to control my emotions.  I am not going to let anyone else dictate how I feel, how I react, or who I am.  I have done a lot of my “honest inventory of self”  I am not to that step yet, but it is the one that fascinates me and I am most eager to get there.

Here is what I have learned…

I am beautiful on the inside and on the outside.  I look at people and I see the good that dwells in each and everyone that I look at.  I am insanely drawn to people who are rough around the edges, that most would not see as beautiful, I am drawn to them because I want to show them their beauty.  It is selfishly motivated that in by showing them that I think they are beautiful they will love and adore me because noone else has shown them their beauty.  But this doesn’t make me less.

Im a very strong independent woman.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to take my hand and guide me through life and be my partner.  What it means is I need someone who is STRONGER than me, someone I can trust to take the reins, and someone who will love and cherish my independence, someone who will know that my running and gallivanting is just me being me and they will appreciate my free spirit!

I am a good mother.  I am loving, kind, and gentle with my children.  On the other hand I am hard and stern when I need to be.  I respect their individuality and I do not expect perfection from them, I just expect them to do their best at whatever it is they are going after.  Even if what they are going after is convincing me that cookies for super is a good idea, give it their best shot!  Maybe I will give in with the right argument!

I am a good friend.  I listen, I advise, I don’t judge, I don’t bad mouth you, no matter what you may do to me.  I try and put myself in your shoes and understand.  I accept you with all your flaws and I love you inspite of yourself once you enter into my friend zone.  I will fight to the death for you, you are my friend.

I sound perfect don’t I??  I’m not.

I expect perfection out of my partner.  How unfair is that? I am demanding.  I am lazy.  I refuse to take care of my partner. Yet I expect them to accept my imperfections, be understanding and strive to keep the house perfect….

 

Why am I so understanding to my friends and not my husband.

Today I am making changes.  I will be who I want to be and strip away all the negative.  Like the Phoenix I will rise from my own ashes reborn!

 

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