Doctor Says I am Clean!!!
July 27, 2011
Yay! Problem is she has no clue what caused the problem and there is still itchy, burning, and slight swelling. Could be dirty as river water irritated my sensitive girlie bits, who knows. Bad news is I am still unhappy with Scott. It’s just now I have no good reason to leave other than general unhappiness. I don’t see that as being a good enough reason in the grand scheme of things. I mean really what would I tell my kids? Mommy is leaving daddy because mommy is unhappy? I don’t think that would fly.
I do know that I am playing with fire with the hot navy boy that I met. I know that. But it feels good. I am being selfish. I am thinking of no one but myself. You know what? That feels good too. He will make for excellent fantasy material which I will use to get through the love-making with my husband. All these months I thought my body was broken and my hormones were out of whack. They aren’t I just don’t want my husband. He is a selfish lover who reeks of stale beer. I don’t know how to fix that, other than finding away to push through it.
I am still livid about the car though.
So glad there was a negative test result. Have you considered an intervention? It sounds to me like all the problems are stemming from the drinking. Obviously, a guy that’s snookered all the time isn’t going to be thinking much about his wife, or kids, or etc. Does he have family that will stage one with you? Letting someone into your marriage (even in your dirty thoughts) probably isn’t the best way to solve the problem. My humble, unasked for opinion.
I was glad the results were negative as well. We have done interventions. The problems definetely stem from his drinking. Completely 100% from his drinking. I am not sure that there is any solving of this problem at this point. Scott has done all the steps. He steps up on the wagon, he cries he begs for forgiveness, and then ever so slowly he slides off of the wagon. It happens in cycles. He has beaten me while he was drunk, gotten sober, promisiong never again. Slowly he started drinking again, beat me while I was pregnant, got sober, promised never again, driven with my daughter in the car intoxicated, got sober, cried swore never again. Wtrecked the car drunk and is claiming it is no BIG DEAL…. I think I am done. Done with the lies. Done with the bullshit. Done with believing one more time that this is it he will be sober. I think for me for my mental state the best thing to do is to move on down the rode. My only worry is for my children. What is best for them and what will affect them the least negatively in the long run.
I think I deserve happiness and right now happiness to me looks like a woman cheating on her husband just to make it through the next several years till the kids are old enough to understand and then actually leaving him. I want to know the happiness I felt two weeks ago. I want to know that happiness intimately. I don’t need a man to give me happiness, I can be just that happy on my own, not walking on egg shells and not worrying if my husband is out there drunk somewhere.