Decisions

It is now no secret that I am contemplating all of my options and trying to decide what is right and what is best for my little family.  I am slowly pulling myself away from Scott emotionally and I can feel it and I am thinking that he too will soon be able to tell that there has indeed been a change,  a shift.  I have made my decision on what I plan to do right now and where I want to be a year from now.

I know that I do not want to have anymore kids with Scott.  I have an appointment today to get an IUD, to ensure that I do not have anymore kids with Scott.  I do not want to be trapped by having them in a marriage that is falling apart around me.  I haven’t shared this with Scott, but we aren’t trying to have more kids and more kids have not been a plan, so it is not like I am doing something he wouldn’t approve of.

I know that my marriage to Scott has been under alot of strain due to our conflicting schedules.  Scott works and goes to school.  He is never around to help and I see his going out and drinking after work as a childish unfair occurrence.  Simply because I never get to go out.  Even if I did have a girls weekend, once in 4 years!  Scott is done with school in 4 1/2 months.  In many arguments he will state, I don’t know why we are still together and then answer himself with oh yeah your my cash cow until I am done with school.  That statement has hurt and cut me to the core and made me wonder is that really why he is still with me?  I think he says it out of drunken malice, but what if it is true??  What if after December nothing changes.  What if he all of a sudden has all this extra time and he spends it drinking and smoking pot and still refuses to grow up and be the man and husband I need him to be?

I have resolved to give it a year.  If after that year I am still just as miserable as I am today and there are no signs of willingness to make it better my plan is to leave.  I can not and I will not have my kids grow up watching us be as dysfunctional as we are today.  I have allowed someone else into my marriage.  He makes me smile. I enjoy his friendship and I know it is wrong.  But I think part of what makes it feel so good is that it is so wrong.  I need to stop it, I know that, but it feels so good and so much in my life feels so bad right now that I just can’t seem to bring myself to do so. I ask myself if I would be angry or hurt if the shoes were reversed and in all honesty I wouldn’t.  I want Scott to be happy to, I just don’t think I provide him with happiness either.

Advertisement