Trying to Remember
August 8, 2011
I spent the weekend trying to remember the last time Scott held me in his arms or kissed me. Laid next to me in bed and spooned me. Slapped my ass and told me I was beautiful. I can’t remember. So I tried to cross over the wall in our marriage. Sunday morning I wrapped my arms around him after his shower and pulled him in close to kiss him as he headed out the door to work and I almost wretched at the overpowering smell of stale beer on him. This would be why we have no intimacy left in our marriage. He has a love affair with beer. He let beer come between he and I as it is more precious to him than I will ever be.
I thought about that long and hard all day while I played with my kids in the sunshine. I see my husband one night a week. In that one night he cant go without getting wasted and spend time with me being intimate. I don’t mean sex. I mean talking, Hugging, snuggling on the couch, listening to me. Instead he sits outside pounding beers. For a long time I have thought it is because I am so completely wretched that he can’t stand to be close to me. I beat myself down about my body, my looks, my everything. But you kow what it isn’t me with the problem, its him. I am pretty sure I am done. I love Scott, he is the father of my two beautiful children. But I am not in love with him and in all honesty I don’t think he is in love with me either. I’m not sure this is something we can get past and I’m not sure I want to.
I ca’nt imagine how frustrating this is. My husband drinks one beer a night. maybe 2 on a weekend night. he doesn’t buy it himself, I do the grocery shopping, so I get him a 6 pk at a time. mostly because it’s easier for me to carry and wrangle a toddler while pregnant. he drinks it out of bottles so it’s a little more delicate than handling aluminum cans. he doesn’t really even like the taste of much beer, but found one he doesn’t mind so much. Given my humongous state, it wasn’t long ago that my nose was so sensitive that I’d literally barf at the smell of beer (or coffee, or tea, jeez), and I’d tell my husband so. He was apologetic, and would ask every night if it was okay if he had a beer. he still does, even though it doesn’t bug me as much anymore. but he does still lean in for a kiss and I just look at him and wrinkle my nose and say, jeez, that stinks.
it sounds like your hubby is slamming all his beer into his night off because he’s working or going to school the rest of the time? so he’s trying to ‘catch up’ or ‘get real relaxed’ that one night? he’s really pouring his me time into one spot in time.. I wonder if he doesn’t realize (as men stupidly don’t) that that’s also your one night.. I wish I had a magic wand to fix everything for you.
I haven’t seen anything about you talking to him about the issue? you can’t fix him that’s for sure, but if he doesn’t realize it’s a REAL issue, then it’s hard for him to change? I could be totally wrong, so don’t get pissed if you have been wearing his ear out about it, I just notice that you’re writing about your feelings and ways you’re trying to change how YOU feel about it, but your feelings will stay absolute I’m thinking, so it’s how he feels about it that makes a difference, but if he doesn’t realize it’s affecting you.. then you’re both just kind of shoving up against the same brick wall instead of opening the door.
I tend to try and play off things as a joke with my husband, like, geez dude, you trying to get me drunk off your breath or what? how about coming inside and relaxing with me instead… that’s MY hubby, though, not yours, I have no idea how he’d feel about that, but it might be worth a shot.
some guys, no matter their age, really are freaking clueless.
and some people just smell like beer if they drink it. I’ve noticed repairmen and such that show up, sometimes its 10 am and they REEK of beer, but they’re not drunk, and they are clearly clean, they just don’t ever quit stinking. like a pig farmer always smells of pig crap.
Oh I have talked until I am blue in the face with him. It isn’t just one night a week, he goes out after work every other night of the week and walks in stumbling alling down drunk. My husband is a raging alcoholic. I can’t fix him. I try and fix how I look at it. I just can’t seem to fix how I see it anymore. Scott reeks of beer because he is always sweating out a bender from the night before. So are those repairmen you smell it on at 10 am, it is because of the amount they drank the night before.
Im not pissed. Im over my marriage. It will never be what it once was. I let someone in that makes me feel good. I made a choice to allow someone to make me feel special. I just wish it had been my husband who thought I was special, not someone else.
Scott left me a long time ago for his addictions and I clung to him trying to keep him with me, it didn’t work and I am done clinging to him. If he wants to go he can go.
I know I’m way late on this one, but I’m playing catch up. He is a flat out alcoholic. I have spent the last 6.5 months watching my dad rebound for the umpteenth time, but he has finally stayed sober. I’ve watched this pattern for my entire life, but this time it feels like he might finally stay clean.
Scott isn’t getting back on the wagon any time soon. He’ll justify his drinking any way he can. Any sober alcoholic will tell you the same thing: Scott is locked in this and won’t ever get help until he WANTS it. You carry everything in that household… you manage the money, the kids, yourself, and you make sure Scott stays on his path too. You do too much because of your control issues. Scott has no motivation to clean up because there are no consequences for his actions – no jail time for DUI or accidents with trees, no threats from his wife, no taking his kids away, etc. I’m not saying you have to take it away to fix him… it’s not your job to fix him. It IS your job to get your children away from this unhealthy and dangerous behavior and it is your job to be true to you.
Some times that takes losing it all to find that motivation to stay sober, but losing it all needs to be because you’re thinking of you and the kids being healthy and Scott finding his own path.