I Am Scared…. But I am Happy

I finally spoke 4 words that will forever change the course of my life and the lives of my children. I want a Divorce.  Speaking them and moving forward with them are completely different things.

Tuesday was a hellacious day.  I was at work at 5:30 AM and it was go go go go go all freaking day long, I didn’t even stop to eat.  I called Scott and asked him to get the kids because I would be late.  On my way hom at 5:30 we past each other as he headed to the daycare.  I thought gee he is picking them up late and went on home.  Made a stiff drink and went out on to the back porch to unwind from my day.  Scott pulls up and starts yelling screaming and cussing about what a worthless piece of shit I am and why the fuck couldn’t I pick up the kids….blah blah blah.  Now mind you he is out of school until Monday and didn’t work and did nothing all day long!  I looked at him and said, um I thought you had already gotten them until I saw you.  He screams bullshit and calls me a selfish bitch.  All of this infront of our kids.  I looked at him and said enough I am so done with you. He rants on and on about of your done, your done, you want me to leave???  I smiled and said actually no I don’t want you to leave, Sophia go inside so mommy and daddy can have big people talk, Scott I want you to stay until your finished with school.  That is 4 months from now, because if you don’t you wont finish.  But after Christmas I want you to leave, I am done being verbally, physically, and emotionally abused by you.  I will always love you, you gave me the two most wonderful kids in the whole world, but I am not in love with you and I am miserable, infact you kind of disgust me.  I am done. I deserve better than this and the kids deserve to not witness this.  He started to cry once the shock wore off his face.  I didn’t cry.  I want a Divorce. I said I haven’t been happy in a very long time and if you are honest neither have you.  We have tried everything there is to try.  He said he didn’t want it to be over.  I laughed and said well you have 4 months to make me fall in love with you again, its possible, but I am done trying.  You can move your stuff to the guest room and we can be roomates and try to be friends.

I walked inside and that was the end of the conversation.  Except he kept asking what he needed to do, I finally caved and told him for 5 years I have begged and pleaded with you I have repeatedly told you what I need  and you put other things above me, you stood before God and our friends and family vowing to love, honor, and cherish me, so there is a start.  You figure it out I am done telling you what I want and what I need.

I am happy.  My marriage is ending and I am happy.  I worry about my kids, but they are young and they will adjust.  I may be being selfish but I am tired of living in fear of his next drunken rampage.  This will make me stronger.