I Feel No Shame….Is that Wrong?
October 6, 2011
I feel like I should feel shame or guilt or something. But I don’t. I’m okay with all of my choices lately. Do I want my husband to know about them? No not really. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want him to be able to be the one pointing fingers and saying this is all my fault that I abandoned him in our marriage. But my friendship has become more than a friendship.
It was easy to fall into that. Here is someone who listens to me and finds me interesting. Here is someone who listens to my goals, my dreams, my wants, and my desires. Not only does he listen but he tries to help me find ways to achieve them. Supports me emotionally and doesn’t drain me. I am in total love with the attention. I am in total love with the spoiling.
All this time I thought I was broken that I couldn’t want anything sexually with someone. I was wrong. I just couldn’t want it with my husband, he repulses me and it is his fault. I truly believe I did everything in my power to save our marriage. Millions of talks, millions of chances, millions of tears cried. Nothing got better, nothing changed. I am happy right now. I am not happy that I am sneaking around and lying and I should feel some shame with that, but I don’t. For once I am putting myself first above all else and it feels good. I am enjoying being selfish….
I know the guilt and the shame will come, but right now I am loving this.
I think you deserve some happiness in whatever form you happen to find it. Don’t feel guilty.
It only comes if you ALLOW it to. I don’t judge ANYONE for what they do. Well, no. That’s wrong. You hurt your kid, I’ll judge you. Just sayin’.
My thing is this: if life at home was good and fulfilling and your husband was the man you need, want and deserve him to be, you never would’ve looked elsewhere for ANY of the things that are missing in your marriage. If you can look at Scott and feel nothing for him, it’s over. If you have no respect for him as a husband and man, it’s over. If the thought of touching him, let alone BEING with him, causes your stomach to revolt, it’s over.
And that’s okay. There are so many people out there, men and women, who think/feel all of these things and ignore them. For whatever their reasons. These are the people that wake up after 15 or 20 or 30 years of marriage and realize they’ve wasted so much time; time in which they could’ve been happy.
It’s time. It’s time to move in a direction that brings you happiness and contentment. xoxo