For those of you who have read here for awhile there are not any of my old posts available. They are locked up and hidden away for me as there is a fear of discovery of all my skeletons as I embark out into unknown territory. As I read through them all some may make there way back into my archives. It has been months since I have been here, but it is time for me to heal and turning to journaling is something I have always done when life has become unmanageable.
It is time for me to admit I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic who has spread his disease through my family. It is time that I let go and turn over my control to my higher power. So what happened? Well it’s kind of a blur and this will be long and winded but I have to get it all out…
I gave my last chance in December, through tears and promises and hope and ultimatums I believed that Scott and I were turning over a new leaf. That we would get better, that he would become healthy. That finally I would have the marriage and family I had always hoped and dreamed for. Just shy of 90 days we danced around his sobriety, him pretending and hiding the drinking and me pretending not to notice and hoping upon all hope that he was sober and that the next explosion was not just right around the corner.
On Tuesday, March 20th, my favorite day of the year, the first day of spring, the day of renewal and rebirth, the explosion happened….
Tuesday was an exciting day for me. I had decided to join a crossfit gym and I was super stoked about my first personal training day. I knew it was going to be tough to get there have my hour and then rush to pick up the kids all by 6 o’clock, but damnit I am super woman and I got this! I CAN DO THIS!!!
Crossfit was amazing. I thought I was in good shape only to have my ass kicked by some smoking hot 20 something year old boy. I rushed from the gym to go get Sophia from school, I had 10 minutes to get both kids picked up, not a lot of time, but doable if the lights cooperated with me. I ran into Sophia’s school to be met with she isn’t here, she got picked up in the car line when school let out at 3. My mind raced. I started to lose it a little. What do you mean she isn’t here???? I always pick her up here, it is Tuesday right???? Who picked her up??? My husband is at work! Noone else has permission to pick her up! Call the Police! Someone has kidnapped my child!!! I am panicking trying to call Scott, 10 calls all go unanswered. I assume he is busy at work and his phone was haphazardly left in his car. I call the restaurant. I demand to be connected to Scott it is an emergency! I am told Scott is not there. What do you mean he is not there????? It is Tuesday right??? He works every Tuesday night??!!! I am sorry, but Scott showed up to work highly intoxicated and we sent him home. I flee from the school tears streaming down my face and break every traffic rule they ever thought about inventing to get to Connor’s school all the while praying please God let him still be there. He isn’t there. I continually call Scott, his brother, my sister in law, Scott’s dad….I am livid and wanting to kill Scott and praying that my children are home safe as it is pouring down rain and I have been told he was highly intoxicated at 2:30 and that my kids were picked up at 3:00.
I rush down our driveway thankful to see his truck in the drive with no visible damage. I take a few deep breaths as I walk through my back door. The kids run to me as momma is home, Scott stumbles out of my bedroom and slurs, “heyyyybabbby” I glare at him over the top of our children’s heads. I tell Sophia to take Connor to her room to play and as I hear her bedroom door close I turn on the man I have tried to fix for the past 6 years. I point at the closet and I hear a far away voice say, “get all of your shit in that closet, put it in your car and get the fuck out of my house and don’t you even think of coming back here, I AM DONE!!!!!!” Scott looks at me completely bewildered and slurs, “what did I do?” Here begins the argument where he declares he is not drunk and that he has not been drinking and that it is Wednesday and that is why he is home with the kids and I just have my days confused. The drunk trying to confuse me, it is a game he always tries to play. It takes me an hour to get him out of the house, it gets physical, but I do get him out.
I call a buddy to come change my locks, he drops everything and comes. While bathing the kids I notice that Sophia’s entire right butt cheek is black. I say, “Oh my Sofa, did you fall down at school??” She turns to me with tears in her eyes and a quivering bottom lip and says, “No Momma, Daddy threw me on the bed and beat me hard…” I ask, “why would daddy do that baby?” She says, “because I was having a hissy fit.”
I am filled with rage. I say, “oh baby I am so sorry, I promise daddy will never ever be able to do that again, he didn’t mean to, daddy is just very very sick right now, momma sent him to the doctor to get better!” I take photos of her butt, put her and Connor to bed and call the police. I want him locked up for what he did to my first born. Fuck what he has done to terrorize me, forget that he has laid hands on me, I am an adult and it is my fault for staying if he lays hands on me again, but my child is a CHILD, she is 4 years old, she has no say on if she stays or goes! It is my job, my duty, my moral obligation, to protect her and ensure she grows up in a healthy happy safe environment!!!!!
The police come, they call CPS, they call the DA, all decline to press charges as the marks are on her butt and a spanking is to be on your butt. BULLSHIT!
At 4am drunk Scott showed up and tried to kick my door in, I called the police and he was promptly arrested for public intoxication. That morning I tried to make everything as normal as possible with the kids. I took them to school, I went to work and begrudgingly told my story to my bosses. I left work and spent the day getting everything in order.
I got and order of protection preventing Scott from picking up the kids from school or coming within 200 feet of our home. I took the order to both kids school and met with the directors and let them know the full situation. I closed our joint bank account and took the money and opened a new account, as I was not paying to bail him out. I went to the grocery and bought all that we would need so that I would not have to be dragging 2 kids through the store….Then I went home and saw the truck.
I had no idea at 4 am why the cops asked if I wanted the truck towed. When I left at 5:30 AM it was dark and I didn’t look at the truck, I was on auto pilot. But in the bright day light I saw that Scott had hit something, he had torn the tire off the truck and scrapped all the way down the side of it, he drove home on the rim. Now if anyone else had been driving that truck with sparks flying at 4AM they would have been pulled over. They would have been arrested for DUI, but not my husband, he has luck on his shoulder big time!
I called his dad. I called his brother. Of course noone took my calls as I am just the lunatic wife who over dramatizes everything and had Scott arrested. I personally love that one, I HAD HIM ARRESTED. Had he not been doing anything wrong he would not have been arrested, all I did was call the police!!!!!!
My brother, who never calls, or when he calls only calls and talks long enough to vomit his day all over you and quickly get off the phone to another call, never asking how I am called and asked how I was doing. When I told him, he started asking about the tire, is there a spare, is there a Jack, is there a tire tool…. I lost it. I don’t fucking know Neal nor do I care, it isn’t my problem!! He tells me to calm down, that he wants to know so he can come change the tire, because they will only keep Scott 24 hours and then Scott will be showing up for the truck and he wants him to be able to come get the truck and drive off and not bother me or the kids.
I love my brother with all my heart and soul. I accept that we aren’t that close and that he doesn’t show love or affection in the ways that I wish he did. But this act, this gesture floored me beyond belief. My brother was at my house within 15 minutes and he and my darling neighbor Steve struggled to get that tire changed. It touched my heart and made me feel so loved and cared for.
At 9PM just as they were finishing Scott calls from a cab asking if his truck is still there, telling me he is coming home to get a shower. I tell him his truck is there but he is not coming in the house, where would you like your keys?? He begins yelling and screaming at me and in the presence of my brother I feel strong and I feel at peace. I calmly tell him no that Neal and Steve have changed his tire and that he can come get the truck and leave. That I called his buddy and have made arrangements where he can stay there, but he is not welcome in my home. Had my brother not been there I am not so sure I would have had the strength to stand behind my convictions. I can’t express to my brother what he did or what that act of kindness he bestowed upon me and my kids that night meant to me. But I think he knows.
The last week has been a blur of accusations slung at me from his family through him. How this is all my fault. That I always make bad decisions. That I let Scott drink. That I got him arrested. That I am to blame. Why would anyone make the alcoholic who caused all of this responsible?? Maybe the issue is that he has never been responsible or held accountable for his actions!!! For the past 6 years I have shielded our families from his addictions. I have lied and covered for him. I forced him to finish school. Hell I did half the work to get him through school, but somehow at the end of the day I am to blame. Fuck That.
I did not Cause it. I can not Change it. I can not Control it…..
Well, I found the answer to my question. I am so sorry, my friend. I can’t imagine what all of this has been like for you. I wish I was closer to help; to be there for you. Always a phone call away. xoxo