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Train Wreck

I spend most of my time going 900 miles an hour balls to the wall all out until I fall down.  A buddy of mine told me I am like a bull, stubborn and tough, too hard headed to know that I’ve been on my ass before I jump up and start running head first back through the same door that knocked me on my ass.  I hear from my friends all the time how strong I am.  Is this just something we say to people when they are going through tough times?  I have never told anyone they were weak.  I have always said you are strong you will be okay.  So am I really strong or is this just what we tell people?

My days start before 4 am, I rush through the morning like a mad woman getting the kids ready, rush to daycare, then fly with my foot slammed to the floor all the way to work.  I rush through my work.  I fly out the door the second the clock hits 4 and fly to the gym, fly to daycare, fly home, rush through dinner, baths, and chores, and fall down at 8:45 and read to Sophia everynight before we fall asleep in each others arms with her nestled into my neck.  It is hard. But I am keeping up with everything and the kids are used to the modified schedule.  But I feel like a train wreck inside…

I find my voice raised and yelling and threatening the kids more than I ever have.  My patience does not exist. This is not good.  Sophia is behaving so much better than she ever did with Scott at home, so why am I yelling at her?  Why am I frustrated when she dilly dallies??  Why am I losing my cool with this sweet angel child that is just as kind and loving as a child can be???  Connor is just Con, he is fine, he is so laid back and chill, nothing pahses him, and he can’t get himself ready so I have no frustration there as he is not at an age to do much of anything besides shit his pants on his own.  But when Sophia wont get dressed, wont brush teeth, wont do whatever the hell it is I am asking of her my temper rages.  I start yelling and cussing.  It isn’t right.  I need to chill out and relax, but I am finding that increasingly difficult the more on my own I am.

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I bragged yesterday about how I was doing this, how I got this, how it is amazingly not going to poorly!  Yesterday was a failure.  Had I not opened my mouth, had I just kept quiet maybe yesterday would have been okay!!  Everything was okay until 6PM hit and it hit hard!

Work was fine.  I was finally able to focus and ignore the interruptions throughout the day.  I hit the gym at 4:45 just on time right on schedule and I killed it.  Topped my best time on a mile run and my best time on the 4 miles.  I rushed to get the kids and that is where the slip began.  It was raining, I had promised Sophia a trip to the park, but it was raining and she started to whine.  I explained we couldn’t go in the rain and excitedly told her that Papa was coming with Daddy to take her and Connor on an Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday, to give me a break.  My dad will be the supervisor in the supervised visitation I have agreed to.  This was the wrong thing to say to Sophia as it started a meltdown that refused to rivaled by any previous meltdown.  Sobbing, trembling, shaking, screaming I miss my daddy!  When I got to Connor’s school I asked Sophia if she would like to call and talk to daddy, she did want, so I called him on my phone, gave her the phone and left her locked in the car to talk while I scooped up Con man.

When I returned to the car she was worse.  She cried and cried and cried some more.  When I got to the house, got the kids inside it was 6:15.  I hurried through making dinner, folding a load of laundry and sweeping and mopping the floor while the kids ate.  At 7 I had them both in the bath, just a tad behind schedule but no biggie, I left them to play while I gathered trash, laid out clothes, made lunches for the next day, and washed the dinner dishes.  I got Con man out and ready for bed by 7:30, Got Sophia out and ready for bed at 7:45.  I hoped my self in the shower and let the day wash away and got myself ready for bed.  Then I realized I hadn’t packed the car, I hadn’t fed the dog all day, I hadn’t returned the 50 calls or e-mails all from concerned friends and family, Sophia got up crying wanting to snuggle, but I couldn’t end my day yet and I snapped at her which set off a new round of tears. I was up till after 10 tying loose ends off.  My bed time is 8:30, yes I know its early, but I get up every day at 3:45AM, I need my bedtime!!!!!!!

I overslept this morning which led to me being snappy and just downright nasty to the kids.  Noone likes to have their day started off by being yelled at and that is what I did to my kids. I’m a morning person, but I totally lost it on them this morning, yelling and screaming as if it were their faults we were running late. I cried in the car on the way to their school, I hugged them both tight and told them mommy was very very naughty and very very sorry for being so ugly to them, that mommy was just stressed and scared.  Sophia in all her 4 year old wisdom hugged me back and said, “its ok momma, sometimes I have hissy fits too.”  I couldn’t help but giggle at her wisdom.

I’m tired of pretending I’ve got this all under control. I don’t. I am scared.  I feel so very alone.  What if Scott doesn’t get better?  What if _______?? So many what ifs!!

Awhile back a dear buddy of mine told me that I deserve a man that wants to take care of me, whether I need to be taken care of or not wasn’t important, but knowing that I deserved someone WANTING to was the point.  This touched my heart and made me smile inside because I have never felt I deserved that.  I have never felt as though I alone was good enough.  I always felt that my giving and taking care of made up for me not being good enough for me being damaged.  The truth is I am damaged.  I don’t need anyone to take care of me, I can take care of me all on my own as long as I am not having to take care of someone else that is a grown ass adult along the way.

I am still working on the Let Go and Let God…So, God, if your reading this, I hear you, It is all yours big guy.  Stop throwing shit at me, I turn it all over to you, let your will be done through me, give me the strength to stay the course, to be patient with my children, and please God PLEASE heal my soul and give me the strength to forgive myself and know that I am forgiven and that I am not damaged!

I am struggling with the concept of this step in Al- Anon.  I do not know how to let go and let God.  I have been praying a lot.  I have been deciding not to let the actions of others affect me.  I am doing my dead level best to remember the 3C’s, I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Change it, & I can’t Control it.  This is actually a very liberating thing for me as I am a fixer by nature.  You have a problem and I want to rush in like wonder woman, tell you what you need to do to fix the problem and then demand that you allow me to help! CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL.

No More.

Today I say I didn’t cause your problem.  You want my advice, then you have to ask for it.  It is then your choice whether or not you listen to the advice and do as I suggest. I can’t change or fix or control your circumstances, only you can do that.  As a friend I have to allow you to be accountable to yourself and realize that the only thing I can control is myself, what I do and how I react.  This I can handle.  I must constantly remind myself of this, but it is something I can do.

I talked to Scott last night and he said he thought he would be ready to come home on his birthday.  I was scared to tell him how I felt about this.  How he would react. How it would affect his recovery. I spoke carefully and concisely to him when I said, “I’m not sure I will be ready for you to come home then.”  He reacted in anger although I could tell he was holding back.  I told him, “this isn’t all about you Scott.”  “This is about me, about the anger and rage and hurt and betrayal of trust that I feel in my heart.”  “I have to heal me, I have to be able to let some of this go, to get over the pain that has been caused to our family before our home is a safe place for both of us to be.”  “I am not sure that a week and a half is adequate time for me.”  “If we don’t allow me this time to heal then nothing will change in our marriage and it will remain loveless and dysfunctional, I can’t and won’t allow that to happen because we will just end up right back here in a couple short months.”  “We both need this time to heal and I refuse to let you come back before I have healed.” He was angry.  But I feel as though he really heard me and understood me and understood the severity of what we are going through.  I repeatedly told him that what is supposed to happen will happen and that I had faith that we could restore our marriage, but I had to be allowed to heal first.

It felt really good to stand my ground.  To not come from a place of anger and be belittling to him to manipulate and control the situation.

For the very first time in my life I am putting myself and my needs first and I am taking care of me.  It feels so very foreign to me, it feels selfish.  But I am being taught that noone else is going to take care of me and the best way for me to take care of my kids and my family is to take care of myself first and trust that God will handle the rest and that his plan is bigger and better than me.

***********IN OTHER NEWS************

Crossfit is totally kicking my butt! I love my trainer Kristian, he is super hot, I could look at him for days, unfortunately when you are panting like a dog, cramping up so bad you are seeing stars, and having him yell at you that pain is just weakness leaving the body….you have very little ability to stare and ogle the eye candy before you!  I do love it! He will be a man-boy added to the list of men I love to hate!

Connor is turning into such a sweet angel boy and is finally beginning to really talk, at 19 months old I was worried when he wasn’t talking hardly at all as Sophia was forming complete sentences at 9 months!  He is a big big big helper, picking up his sister’s shoes and carrying them to her room, opening her closet and placing them on the shoe rack and then enthusiastically clapping like a mad man!  He is full of giggles, smiles, and wet open mouth bite kisses.  He has me wrapped completely around his little chubby fingers.

Sophia is having adjustment problems to daddy being gone.  She is whining more than usual and is completely attached to my hip and insisting on sleeping in my bed every night.  Honestly I don’t mind it as I too need snuggle time and who better to provide my snuggle time than the monkey with cookie breath!

We are falling into a routine that each day seems a tad bit easier.  Somehow I am finding the time to keep up with laundry, keep the house picked up, and make healthy meals for me and the kids (did I mention I cooked all day on Sunday so all I would have to do is pop these meals into the oven for 15 minutes and we would have healthy meals during the week :)).  I am getting faster and faster at getting us out of the house in the morning and feeling less rushed and less on edge with the kids in the pre-dawn hours as we run through the house getting out the door.

There is a large sense of accomplishment that hit me last night as I snuggled down with Sophia, that I am doing this, I can do this, all on my own with not a single bit of help from anyone and I am still making it to the gym for that me time that allows the release of frustration and stress that I need so badly to take care of me!

The Explosion

For those of you who have read here for awhile there are not any of my old posts available.  They are locked up and hidden away for me as there is a fear of discovery of all my skeletons as I embark out into unknown territory.  As I read through them all some may make there way back into my archives. It has been months since I have been here, but it is time for me to heal and turning to journaling is something I have always done when life has become unmanageable.

It is time for me to admit I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic who has spread his disease through my family.  It is time that I let go and turn over my control to my higher power.  So what happened?  Well it’s kind of a blur and this will be long and winded but I have to get it all out…

I gave my last chance in December, through tears and promises and hope and ultimatums I believed that Scott and I were turning over a new leaf.  That we would get better, that he would become healthy.  That finally I would have the marriage and family I had always hoped and dreamed for. Just shy of 90 days we danced around his sobriety, him pretending and hiding the drinking and me pretending not to notice and hoping upon all hope that he was sober and that the next explosion was not just right around the corner.

On Tuesday, March 20th, my favorite day of the year, the first day of spring, the day of renewal and rebirth, the explosion happened….

Tuesday was an exciting day for me.  I had decided to join a crossfit gym and I was super stoked about my first personal training day.  I knew it was going to be tough to get there have my hour and then rush to pick up the kids all by 6 o’clock, but damnit I am super woman and I got this! I CAN DO THIS!!!

Crossfit was amazing.  I thought I was in good shape only to have my ass kicked by some smoking hot 20 something year old boy. I rushed from the gym to go get Sophia from school, I had 10 minutes to get both kids picked up, not a lot of time, but doable if the lights cooperated with me.  I ran into Sophia’s school to be met with she isn’t here, she got picked up in the car line when school let out at 3.  My mind raced. I started to lose it a little.  What do you mean she isn’t here????  I always pick her up here, it is Tuesday right????  Who picked her up??? My husband is at work!  Noone else has permission to pick her up!  Call the Police! Someone has kidnapped my child!!!  I am panicking trying to call Scott, 10 calls all go unanswered. I assume he is busy at work and his phone was haphazardly left in his car.  I call the restaurant.  I demand to be connected to Scott it is an emergency! I am told Scott is not there.  What do you mean he is not there?????  It is Tuesday right??? He works every Tuesday night??!!!  I am sorry, but Scott showed up to work highly intoxicated and we sent him home.  I flee from the school tears streaming down my face and break every traffic rule they ever thought about inventing to get to Connor’s school all the while praying please God let him still be there.  He isn’t there.  I continually call Scott, his brother, my sister in law, Scott’s dad….I am livid and wanting to kill Scott and praying that my children are home safe as it is pouring down rain and I have been told he was highly intoxicated at 2:30 and that my kids were picked up at 3:00.

I rush down our driveway thankful to see his truck in the drive with no visible damage. I take a few deep breaths as I walk through my back door.  The kids run to me as momma is home, Scott stumbles out of my bedroom and slurs, “heyyyybabbby” I glare at him over the top of our children’s heads.  I tell Sophia to take Connor to her room to play and as I hear her bedroom door close I turn on the man I have tried to fix for the past 6 years.  I point at the closet and I hear a far away voice say, “get all of your shit in that closet, put it in your car and get the fuck out of my house and don’t you even think of coming back here, I AM DONE!!!!!!”  Scott looks at me completely bewildered and slurs, “what did I do?” Here begins the argument where he declares he is not drunk and that he has not been drinking and that it is Wednesday and that is why he is home with the kids and I just have my days confused.  The drunk trying to confuse me, it is a game he always tries to play. It takes me an hour to get him out of the house, it gets physical, but I do get him out.

I call a buddy to come change my locks, he drops everything and comes.  While bathing the kids I notice that Sophia’s entire right butt cheek is black. I say, “Oh my Sofa, did you fall down at school??”  She turns to me with tears in her eyes and a quivering bottom lip and says, “No Momma, Daddy threw me on the bed and beat me hard…” I ask, “why would daddy do that baby?” She says, “because I was having a hissy fit.”

I am filled with rage. I say, “oh baby I am so sorry, I promise daddy will never ever be able to do that again, he didn’t mean to, daddy is just very very sick right now, momma sent him to the doctor to get better!”  I take photos of her butt, put her and Connor to bed and call the police.  I want him locked up for what he did to my first born.  Fuck what he has done to terrorize me, forget that he has laid hands on me, I am an adult and it is my fault for staying if he lays hands on me again, but my child is a CHILD, she is 4 years old, she has no say on if she stays or goes!  It is my job, my duty, my moral obligation, to protect her and ensure she grows up in a healthy happy safe environment!!!!!

The police come, they call CPS, they call the DA, all decline to press charges as the marks are on her butt and a spanking is to be on your butt. BULLSHIT!

At 4am drunk Scott showed up and tried to kick my door in, I called the police and he was promptly arrested for public intoxication.  That morning I tried to make everything as normal as possible with the kids.  I took them to school, I went to work and begrudgingly told my story to my bosses.  I left work and spent the day getting everything in order.

I got and order of protection preventing Scott from picking up the kids from school or coming within 200 feet of our home.  I took the order to both kids school and met with the directors and let them know the full situation.  I closed our joint bank account and took the money and opened a new account, as I was not paying to bail him out. I went to the grocery and bought all that we would need so that I would not have to be dragging 2 kids through the store….Then I went home and saw the truck.

I had no idea at 4 am why the cops asked if I wanted the truck towed.  When I left at 5:30 AM it was dark and I didn’t look at the truck, I was on auto pilot.  But in the bright day light I saw that Scott had hit something, he had torn the tire off the truck and scrapped all the way down the side of it, he drove home on the rim.  Now if anyone else had been driving that truck with sparks flying at 4AM they would have been pulled over.  They would have been arrested for DUI, but not my husband, he has luck on his shoulder big time!

I called his dad.  I called his brother.  Of course noone took my calls as I am just the lunatic wife who over dramatizes everything and had Scott arrested.  I personally love that one, I HAD HIM ARRESTED.  Had he not been doing anything wrong he would not have been arrested, all I did was call the police!!!!!!

My brother, who never calls, or when he calls only calls and talks long enough to vomit his day all over you and quickly get off the phone to another call, never asking how I am called and asked how I was doing.  When I told him, he started asking about the tire, is there a spare, is there a Jack, is there a tire tool…. I lost it.  I don’t fucking know Neal nor do I care, it isn’t my problem!!  He tells me to calm down, that he wants to know so he can come change the tire, because they will only keep Scott 24 hours and then Scott will be showing up for the truck and he wants him to be able to come get the truck and drive off and not bother me or the kids.

I love my brother with all my heart and soul.  I accept that we aren’t that close and that he doesn’t show love or affection in the ways that I wish he did.  But this act, this gesture floored me beyond belief. My brother was at my house within 15 minutes and he and my darling neighbor Steve struggled to get that tire changed.  It touched my heart and made me feel so loved and cared for.

At 9PM just as they were finishing Scott calls from a cab asking if his truck is still there, telling me he is coming home to get a shower.  I tell him his truck is there but he is not coming in the house, where would you like your keys??  He begins yelling and screaming at me and in the presence of my brother I feel strong and I feel at peace.  I calmly tell him no that Neal and Steve have changed his tire and that he can come get the truck and leave.  That I called his buddy and have made arrangements where he can stay there, but he is not welcome in my home.  Had my brother not been there I am not so sure I would have had the strength to stand behind my convictions.  I can’t express to my brother what he did or what that act of kindness he bestowed upon me and my kids that night meant to me.  But I think he knows.

The last week has been a blur of accusations slung at me from his family through him.  How this is all my fault.  That I always make bad decisions. That I let Scott drink.  That I got him arrested.  That I am to blame. Why would anyone make the alcoholic who caused all of this responsible??  Maybe the issue is that he has never been responsible or held accountable for his actions!!! For the past 6 years I have shielded our families from his addictions.  I have lied and covered for him. I forced him to finish school.  Hell I did half the work to get him through school, but somehow at the end of the day I am to blame.  Fuck That.

I did not Cause it. I can not Change it. I can not Control it…..

Control Freak

If you have been around awhile then you know I am a controlling domineering person.  I am horrified of not being in control, because if I am not in control then something bad might happen.  This stems from years of physical, emotion, and sexual abuse as a child where I had no control.  I feel if I am in the drivers seat nothing can ever go wrong.  This is something I struggle with daily.  My need for control.  My drug .  The first step is acceptance right??  I accept it, my friends, family they all get it.

So where does this lead with my kids?

Well I would say it is simple, but it isn’t.  I do not try to control my kids mentally in anyway, I want them to explore who they are, right or wrong, make their own choices, learn from mistakes.  I want that for them.  But I have control over so much with them at the age they are right now.  What they eat, what they watch, what they bath in, where they go, the toys…ect.  You get it right?

Okay so I took Sophia to the dentist for her very first dental experience.  No cavities, then they glopped on this brush on leave on flouride on her teeth, they didn’t ask they just did it.  I figured this is normal, I remember flouride rinses when I was a kid. No big deal right?  She get sent home with her very first big girl toothpaste and shiney new pink dora toothbrush!  It’s fantastic until momma starts reading and googling. 

I feed my daughter hormone free, free range chicken and eggs.  Grass feed, hormone free beef and pork.  Wild caught seafood.  Organic produce from the farmers market. Organic hormone free milk.  I spend between 4 and 5 hundred dollars a week on groceries.  We eat well and we eat healthy and it is EXPENSIVE.  I am very controlling about what goes into my daughter’s body, Connor not so much yet, he is still milk and baby food for the most part.  But I don’t want my daughter starting her period when she is 8, like her cousin did, hell she will just be learning how to wipe her own ass good by then!!!!!  Yes I know some girls start earlier than others, but across the board all of my girlfriends daughters are starting earlier,  which to me means their hormones are flowing earlier, which means they will be having sex earlier….HELL KNOW SHE WILL BE 45 AND I WILL BE DEAD BEFORE SHE HAS SEX!

So I read labels and when I don’t know what something is I google it.  Sophia’s toothpastes #1 ingredient is sodium flouride, this is used as the #1 ingredient in pesticides and rat poison!  Oh my god!  They say it is okay in small doses????? What the hell???? I guess arsenic is okay in small dose too! I read and read and read some more and became horrified by what I read. It is added to our water supply.  Because it is “harmless” yet in Nazi Germany they used it in the water to keep people docile.

I don’t get all eaten up with conspiracy theory crap and how the government is trying to keep us down while they rule the world.  But….

When my 4 year old became violently ill throwing up and complaining of a tummy ache all night after having Flouride, whose #1 ingredient Sodium Flouride, brushed all over her teeth, I kinda think hmmmm are the two connected.  My mommy instinct made me dispose of that horrid toothpaste, I went and bought her all natural toothpaste instead. If I can keep the poisons and hormones out of her body and Connor’s until they are old enough to research and decide for themselves.  I mean who is to say this “harmless” stuff in our water supply since the 60s isn’t the cause of the enormous rise in Autism in children.  Whose to say that we really need to drink 8-10 8 ounce glasses of water per day?  Maybe that is the dosage to keep us docile…..look out the Natives are getting Restless!!!!

I had made promises. I had broken promises for 3 weeks in a row about a lovely day trip to the beach with my monkeys.  I just couldn’t get motivated. Couldn’t find the energy. I just couldn’t.  I have found myself making tons of broken promises lately to Sophia and it just isn’t right nor is it fair and her 4 year old brain can’t fathom why it is so hard for mommy.

Friday night I was struck down with a migraine.  All day Saturday my head throbbed and begged for relief.  I did not do any laundry, I did not clean one room, I did not wash one dish.  Sophia danced about asking about Sunday’s trip to the beach.  As to not insight a riot with my 4 year old I made my empty promises knowing damn well if I felt okay I had to get the house cleaned, laundry done, and dishes washed so we would be prepared for the week!  Saturday night came and went with that damn throbbing head….

Sunday at 6 am Connor woke up ready to seize the day.  Sophia was up right behind him.  My head throbbed, my shoulders ached.  It never occurred to me that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee in 2 days.  Friday Scott and I had to fast for blood work for our yearly physicals and Saturday my head hurt so bad all I wanted was to close my eyes.  I drank a pot of coffee Sunday morning, or I guess I should say chugged and the headache completely disappeared.  I rushed through the house on my coffee high throwing laundry one way and scrubbing everything in my path… Sophia looked up from her breakfast with a syrup covered chin and said, Momma are we going today????  I said oh yes baby we are going to the beach!  She said no Momma it’s the SEA!!!!!!

I promised to be more prepared this time.  I packed Connors excersaucer, two beach chairs, a cooler full of water, capris sun, chicken nuggets, sweet potato fries, chopped fruit, breast milk, baby food, cookies, chips…you name it it was in there!   Tons of towels, Sunscreen, little trash bags for stinky diapers, changes of clothes…we were set.  We were out the door and on the roar by 9:15 and we came over the “up high” bridge as Sophia calls it at 10 AM, I said look Sophia it’s the beach!!!!!  She quickly responded with “NO Momma It’s the SEA!!!!!! Momma  say C now say E, put them together SEA!!!!”  I said okay Sophia the CE…..

We drove up and found our spot her dancing in the seat wanting out while I set up everything and finally she is free.  I ripped her dress over her head and she was running to play chase with the waves.  I sat in my chair letting the waves wash over my feet and legs and Connor danced is his excersaucer as the waves tickled his toes… It was pure bliss. 

At some point I realized Sophia was missing an earring and I thought well this is great I forget to take the $40 James Avery earrings off of her.  Good going Momma.  As I sat and stewed on this, I remembered I had ripped her dress over her head by the explorer, I walk over and there shining in the sun is the back of the earring.  I look and don’t see the front anywhere then I think where did she run to first and I walk out into the waves and I kid you not there was that tiny silver heart shining up at me….I still can’t believe I found the front and the back of her earrings on a beach!

We had so much fun and amazingly after 8 hours in the sun I was the only one who even got pink, as I moved Connor in the excersaucer into the back of the explorer with the back door open so he could enjoy the sea breeze….

There have never been two cuter kids!

Life is sweet and going to the SEA with the two greatest gifts in my life could not have been anymore fun had I tried!!!

Hardwork

It is hard to heal the demons of the past.  It is hard to change behaviors, no matter how much you want to change your gut reactions it is difficult to do so.  I want to be a better person.  I don’t want people to shrink away from me because of how blunt and abrasive I can be at times.  Those are my safe guards that keep people from getting too close and hurting me.  They are my defenses that I have learned through my 35 years of life.  How can I possibly change them and let the sweet, kind-hearted me out???  That sweet person might get hurt again and I just can’t bear the idea of heartache anymore.  It is so difficult to change and harder yet when you try and make these changes to have someone treating you like you are less than them.  No I am not talking about my husband.  We are doing remarkably well, lines of communication are open and the help he is giving me and the effort he is making is truly incredible!  I am talking about a man I work with.

Fortunately I do not have to deal with him often.  He is very dry and if it doesn’t benefit him he sees no reason to be a team player.  Because I am a woman I must be below him and he will come to me with menial tasks such as making copies and getting someone on the phone for him.  This blows my mind.  I am not a receptionist.  I am not a secretary.  We have one, she is a sweet lovely 60 something year old lady who will happily do all of that for you.  I am a project engineer.  I am not saying the tasks are beneath me, but they kinda are when we have someone who does that and does it well.  My time is spent on supporting my project manager on  2 multi million dollar projects.  I am running from one jobsite to the other documenting the progress and working on things that are at a higher level than making copies and getting someone on the phone for you, last time I checked your dialing fingers worked just fine!  He talks down to me in away that says woman your mind is too small to understand or grasp the importance of what I do.  Bullshit.

He enrages me.

He has always bothered me.  But the situation has escalated since we moved to our new office.  I asked for a lock on my door, or a reverse door stop so that during the multiple times throughout the day that I close my door and remove my shirt and bra to express milk for my son noone can walk in on me.  I was told we all know not to open your door, the only time it is closed is when you are doing that.  Okay, fine, but I would feel more comfortable with a way to ensure my door wasn’t opened.  First day new office, I close my door.  I remove my shirt,  my bra, and hook up to the machine.  My phone rings and I answer it.  I am typing away, talking on the phone (my voice is super loud and carries everyone in the office is constantly shhsing me) pumping away and guess what?  My door opens and it is HIM.  He does not close my door red faced and apologize.  He walks into my office and stares down at me.  I drop the phone. I scream get out and close the fucking door!!!!  The contractor on the phone hears this of course (so I sound real professional) I burst into tears (never let men at the office see you cry ladies it shows weakness!) I tell the man on the phone I will call him back.  I sit in my office feeling violated by a man I can’t fucking stand, crying.  I am embarrassed.

I have great tits.  I have never cared who saw them.  I am not modest.  But something about this really made me feel violated.  A week later and I have yet to have an apology.  Not only that he has stepped up the make me copies, call so and so for me, wipe my ass bull shit. I want to yell and scream and scratch his eyes out.  My gut tells me to tell him to go fuck himself I am too busy.  But this new girl I am trying to be says fuck it, I have the best looking tits the guy has ever seen and he just can’t keep from coming to my office in hopes of catching a peek, I might be okay with that if he wasn’t a big fat ugly man and maybe even remotely attractive!

How do all you nice sweet ladies handle stuff like this?  I need a road map before I totally lose my shit on this man.